A person is made up of many things - many characteristics, many experiences, many thoughts and many behaviours. You can’t define them by a singular aspect. So it is with me. Having said this, there may be a few key defining aspects of what makes up who I am. The way my life has progressed, a significant aspect of my identity is my sexuality. It is not my only defining characteristic, and I’m not defined by my sexuality, but many important parts of my life have been related to my sexuality. It is the first significant internal characteristic of mine that was not immediately obvious, such as my gender, my ethnicity, or my family background. It is a part of me that has fed my introspectivity. It’s formed part of my views on social justice. It’s led me to standing up and announcing myself. It was the theme of my 21st party, and part of the theme of my first (of only 2) short films. It’s led me to some career choices, to friends, to lovers, and to a lifelong partner. So yes, it is not all of me, but, in the context of my life and the times that i grew up in (and continue to live), my sexuaility is definitely a major part of me. I’m grateful that, while there were some challenging moments, it has turned to be such a positive experience for me. I know not everyone has that same fortune.
Cinema is of course another important aspect of my life. It has been the main medium in which I’ve engage with culture. I’ve studied it. I understand its form, its techniques, its language. It’s a relatively accessible, not-too-time consuming art form that can burrow deep into the hearts and minds of auteurs and audiences alike. It’s a window into other cultures and foreign narratives. It can be force for introspection, a force for social change, and a force for the good ol’ ugly cry. I love nothing more than a good 2 or 3 hours of sitting in the dark reflecting on those images that reflect back onto me.
I’ve come to realise that getting into an in-depth series about the gay films that are personally important to me seemed a natural fit for this current attempt at restarting this blog. I’ve realised that I cannot do continuous blogging about a breadth of films and events. It takes too much out of me, something equivalent to ‘small talk’ for an introvert. So instead, for 2019, I’m going to invest my time into a year long deep dive project into the queer films (and one or two television shows) that have a profound impact on me.
So where to begin? As a queer fairy godmother once said: It’s always good to start at the beginning.
But, like sexuality itself can be, it is quite hard to identify exactly that first image, that first film, that first cultural artefact, that had an influence on me and made me question or clarify my sexuality. In the 90s, I recall television soaps, underwear ads, music videos, featuring men and women (but mostly men) who piqued my interest. Like the fog that was my childhood and most children’s understanding of sexuality, I imagine there was a blur of images and cultural texts that lay the groundwork for me to question my sexuality. I should mention 2 particular film-related things that stand out.
I was unwittingly introduced to the Wizard of Oz in primary school. We were sat down in the classroom to watch the movie one afternoon, and then told that we would be staging a production of the movie. A friend of mine ended up playing Dorothy, and I, with my impeccable acting skills, was going to play one of the monkeys chasing her. I can’t profess to this experience awakening any particular sexual curiosity in me. I do recall specifically remember that glorious technicolor reveal, and it made me suddenly realise that I had been watching a sepia toned film. What the film had presented as normal had been radically transformed. I think from that early age it began my awareness of storytelling, and particularly film storytelling. Perhaps it also opened the way for me to question the reality that I was being told. I know for sure that my involvement did set me up to know the quotes from the movie very well, and remains one of the movies I can quote incessantly, along with Clueless and all the Galadriel scenes from the Lord of the Rings movies.
The other significant text, not a film per se, was of course my sex education cartoon video my Year 5 teacher showed us one afternoon. My family were totally silent on the topic of sexuality, and I don’t recall exactly what I knew or didn’t know at the time. I do remember that the film itself was very educational in the ways of sex and reproduction. A particular comical scene showed a teenage boy at a swimming pool, about to jump off the diving board. Alas, as some girls walked past, he popped a prominent boner right at the .. ahem … tip of the board. The class erupted in laughter at an in-joke that I was blissfully unaware. The factual education I had received prior was soon dwarfed by the emotional discovery from that experience. I didn’t have that experience that they had - I hadn’t popped a boner, and I didn’t know what the joke was. I think at the time I didn’t know exactly why this was the case, and I don’t think i was significantly unnerved by it. On reflection, this could have been because I had not fully experienced puberty, but I have the sneaking suspicion that deep down I know I didn’t feel that way for girls as depicted in the video. Rather, somehow, somewhere deep down, it explained the curious looks I gave to a fellow classmate, Paul, at our school camp some months before. Whatever it was, I don’t think I particularly panicked, but that feeling that I was different (for this reason) remained. In many ways, I am so grateful to this video, for educating me and giving me this experience. Thanks to the internet, I’ve since discovered this was a pretty widely known and shown cartoon called ‘What is happening to me’. Coincidentally, it was made in 1986, the same year I was born! What a coincidence.
And one more thing ... as I thnk about what I plan to write over the next year, there are a few glaring omissions. Blindspots in my 'gay' education. Films I watched later in life that were amazing but did not profoundly affect me because of timing and circumstance. Films that objectively were amazing that I just did not connect with. There have been so much great writing about all these films. What I intend to do is contribute to it through my personal experience. It's the best I can offer.
And so with that, I’ll proceed with the movie that I think had the first profound effect on little ol' gay me … The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert… stay tuned!
I was unwittingly introduced to the Wizard of Oz in primary school. We were sat down in the classroom to watch the movie one afternoon, and then told that we would be staging a production of the movie. A friend of mine ended up playing Dorothy, and I, with my impeccable acting skills, was going to play one of the monkeys chasing her. I can’t profess to this experience awakening any particular sexual curiosity in me. I do recall specifically remember that glorious technicolor reveal, and it made me suddenly realise that I had been watching a sepia toned film. What the film had presented as normal had been radically transformed. I think from that early age it began my awareness of storytelling, and particularly film storytelling. Perhaps it also opened the way for me to question the reality that I was being told. I know for sure that my involvement did set me up to know the quotes from the movie very well, and remains one of the movies I can quote incessantly, along with Clueless and all the Galadriel scenes from the Lord of the Rings movies.
The other significant text, not a film per se, was of course my sex education cartoon video my Year 5 teacher showed us one afternoon. My family were totally silent on the topic of sexuality, and I don’t recall exactly what I knew or didn’t know at the time. I do remember that the film itself was very educational in the ways of sex and reproduction. A particular comical scene showed a teenage boy at a swimming pool, about to jump off the diving board. Alas, as some girls walked past, he popped a prominent boner right at the .. ahem … tip of the board. The class erupted in laughter at an in-joke that I was blissfully unaware. The factual education I had received prior was soon dwarfed by the emotional discovery from that experience. I didn’t have that experience that they had - I hadn’t popped a boner, and I didn’t know what the joke was. I think at the time I didn’t know exactly why this was the case, and I don’t think i was significantly unnerved by it. On reflection, this could have been because I had not fully experienced puberty, but I have the sneaking suspicion that deep down I know I didn’t feel that way for girls as depicted in the video. Rather, somehow, somewhere deep down, it explained the curious looks I gave to a fellow classmate, Paul, at our school camp some months before. Whatever it was, I don’t think I particularly panicked, but that feeling that I was different (for this reason) remained. In many ways, I am so grateful to this video, for educating me and giving me this experience. Thanks to the internet, I’ve since discovered this was a pretty widely known and shown cartoon called ‘What is happening to me’. Coincidentally, it was made in 1986, the same year I was born! What a coincidence.
And one more thing ... as I thnk about what I plan to write over the next year, there are a few glaring omissions. Blindspots in my 'gay' education. Films I watched later in life that were amazing but did not profoundly affect me because of timing and circumstance. Films that objectively were amazing that I just did not connect with. There have been so much great writing about all these films. What I intend to do is contribute to it through my personal experience. It's the best I can offer.
And so with that, I’ll proceed with the movie that I think had the first profound effect on little ol' gay me … The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert… stay tuned!
